Hands Clean
by Lailara
Summary: Some character introspection. Songfic for Alanis Morissette's "Hands Clean."


Title: Hands Clean  
Author: AriellaGiselle  
Rating: PG-13, R  
Distribution: My site, Chaotic Seduction, Fanfiction.net; anyone else, just ask and ye shall receive.  
Author's Notes: future-fic, five years after Buffy's *final*, not S5, death.  
Disclaimer: I don't own the charries. I don't own "Hands Clean." Joss and Alanis do, respectively.  
  
*****  
  
Willow's my best friend. No matter what I say, I'll always be a little attracted to her. I mean, we hung out since we were five. You don't stay that long with someone unless you've always got something to talk about. Buffy died five years ago today. Anya finally came back for me a year after that.  
  
Even after the kisses, the break-ups, and her and Oz getting back together, we stayed friends. How many people can say that? I thank whoever's watching over us every single day that she let it go, put it behind her. I just wish Cordy could've done the same.  
  
Buffy. She was the hottest thing since sunburn. Or so I thought all through high school, and hell, if I want to be honest with myself, all through high school and up until the day she died. But she was my best friend, too. Not in the same way Willow was.   
  
Willow was my friend because we both disliked our parents, so we always had something to bitch about to each other. But I became friends with Buffy because I had a crush. Again, I have to thank God that she shot me down early. Spared my time pining over her.  
  
Time for a dream or two, time to forget the crap of humanity and psuedo-fatherhood. Dawn, shut off that damned crap you call music!   
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"Ooh, this could be messy  
But you don't seem to mind  
Ooh, don't go telling everybody  
And overlook this supposed crime  
  
We'll fast forward to a few years later  
And no one knows except the both of us  
And I have honored your request for silence  
And you've washed your hands clean of this"  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Damn, that song's on the radio again. I wish it would stop. It's such an old song. Give it up, deejays! It makes me think of Xander back in Sunnydale.  
  
He is the last thing I should be thinking of. Oz wouldn't like me dwelling on the past when I could be dwelling on the future and the Dingoes new top 20 album.  
  
It's still hard for me to grasp that he came back. He came back for me after Tara left and never came back. But he said he couldn't stay away. I took him back without an arguement. I couldn't take the loneliness. I missed Buffy, and Xander was in the hospital after his bout with Anya. Angel was dust in LA, polishing the old hotel they all left him to rot away in. Spike was hunting Slayers; he'd lost it when Buffy died the third time. Screamed that there'd never be another. No one tried to stop him. No one cared to.   
  
We all fell into disrepair. We were old souls in young, world-weary bodies, no longer defined by our purpose.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"What part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?  
What part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?   
What with this distance it seems so obvious?  
  
Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family  
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse"  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Shut up, Bitch! Another one down. Time to hunt her successor. As her blood flows into my mouth, I feel something I've missed these past ten years. A sense of who I am. I am a vampire. I hunt, and I kill, and I maim, and I love it. And fuck all that gets in my way.  
  
My skull begins crushing in on itself as the old fuckin' chip goes off. It's a little behind itself these days. Must be gettin' old.   
  
...Things not so high, not so firm...  
  
Buffy... Gods below, why did she have to do that? Why did she have to wander out of the house that night? Why did she go looking for fuckin' trouble? 'Cos she found it.  
  
If I try real hard, I can hear her voice. And if I try harder, I can smell her hair.  
  
Before she stepped out, why did she have to call me? Why did she ask me not to tell anyone? Why... Fuck her! I don't need this. Got me a Slayer to brain.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me  
You're kind of my protégé and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me  
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian  
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it"  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Willow, no, I miss you guys! Spike, you bastard, I'm going to kick your ass when you get here. So is Angel! Xander! No, I am *so* not naked in that dream, damn it! And Dawn, I so agree with Xander on this one: turn off the freakin' music!  
  
Shit... why did I have to be so stupid? Why was I so selfish?  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
FIN~ 


End file.
